We spent about a week, or somewhere there about, tracking down the course of the ship. There wasn’t much to see or do during that time, minus being vigilant. Through ingenuity though, we managed to keep busy. Next thing we knew, we were approaching our final destination. Hopefully not too final.

“Oh no,” Dzira lamented.

I was busy flipping switches, trying to get better eyes on the planet without being seen ourselves. A curious grunt in way of response had to suffice.

“I think I know where we are,” she said.

Information. That got my attention. I gave it to her entirely, silently waiting for the rest.

Her gaze shifted between me and the enhanced images of the planet through the windshield and monitors.

I was skeptical that anything was actually living there. As far as my lenses could see, the planet consisted of mostly bogs and swamps. Brown, green, and, well, gross looking landmasses and soupy spots alike pocked its surface.

“Everyone back home has heard the stories,” she started in dreamy terror. “Old wives’ tales. I used to think they were for scaring little children to behave. ‘Be careful little Dzira… or the Bubgrub will eat you.’ Then they started coming to our town. Always at night. Unexpected. While we were sleeping or hibernating. At first we didn’t know what was happening. People were just disappearing in the middle of the night. They wouldn’t just leave. Not according to those who knew them. Where would they go? And why?”

She got quiet for a moment.

“What the fuck is a Bubgrub?”

“They…” She grimaced. “They have big mouths. Green and brown. Ugh, the planet looks like it was made for them.”

“Okay. Giant frogs and that might be their swamp.”

“They say they feed our kind to their king.”

“That’s a big frog.”

“They go on and on about giving him eternal life.”

“Ah, that old bit.”

“Because we have,” she made spooky hands, “special powers.”

“But to be buying your kind wholesale. How does that fit? How do they even afford that?”

Dzira shrugged.

I played with my toggles a bit more. The ones on the dashboard. I knew enough about the systems on by shit from dicking around with them to figure out some shit. Hiccup. Technical stuff, I know. But filtering out specific frequencies, setting parameters for parametric imagining, I could turn a hazy planet of millions of square miles into a map of structures that were statistically not made by nature and anything emitting anything other than resonant frequency. An object with a current passing through it, pulsing or otherwise, generates a very specific field. A whole structure will have a lot of them. In total, it will show up like a congested roadmap. Radiation and any other threats, even if shielded, have distinct indications. Those show up in bright flashy colors, for sake of the user prone to radiation induced chromosomal deterioration.

This planet was tricky. The ground penetrating radar was showing a vast tunnel network among the muck. Many of the paths showed no indication of technology. Discerning movement of muck and a living thing underneath was proving difficult. It was a small planet, so we were able to linger pretty close without its gravity sucking us in. The rotation was swift, though. We had to look quickly and decisively for what we were looking for.

“What’s that?” she pointed at the screen over my shoulder.

I had noticed it too. An array of suspected buildings were emerging on the screen. As the planet continued to turn, they formed a massive circle. A much bigger one connected the nodes at their middle.

“I think…” I started flipping through some other menus. “Hold on. Let me see. Sulfur. Arsenic. That’s not good. Carbon-11 isotopes. What the fuck. And incredibly high amounts of methane. Makes sense.”

“It’s one giant shit factory,” she put eloquently.

“That it is, but it’s all shit they can sell.”

“Fuels?”

“A whole planet of it.”

“Ah,” she said with dawning realization. “The carbon breaks down into boron. It’s what most of these things run on. Safe to use, just not handle without protective equipment. Which means they also have an endless money supply.”

“How…” I gave her a sharp look because I didn’t even know that’s what the fuel came from. I’d have to remember to ask her what her job was back home. “Yup,” I said instead. “Oil rich nation. Looks like they could use some freedom.”

“Why would anyone use oil?” she asked with mild disgust.

“Uh.” I tried not to feel offended for the entire human race, so I shut my agape mouth. “Figure of speech.”

“And the freedom?” she asked more excitedly. “More than a figure of speech I hope.”

“In our case, yes.”

“How do we get in there?”

Thaw my icy heart; I did not want her going down there. She must have read the look on my face when I turned to her. Only determination showed on her face. My track record proves that working with others tends to be hazardous to their health. And I might feel bad if this one befell an ill fate.

A voice in the back of my head told me this woman was going to be the end of me. And the voices are usually right, that’s why I tend to do whatever they tell me.

I shook off that thought.

“I’d much prefer if you didn’t go.”

She gave me a look. I’m sure you can picture. She was determined to go with every fiber of her being and I was in the way. You know the look.

“If you haven’t noticed, I’m the only one of us that can go invisible.”

“I don’t suppose you have somewhere you can hide my gun do you?” I sighed.

“Not anywhere comfortable.”

“I wish that helped your case. Aside from my suit that I cobbled together on the ship, all I have is that robe you’re wearing. I’ll blend in with any of Zalud’s crew and I’ll be protected from the radiation.”

“Oh, the radiation doesn’t affect me.”

“What?”

“Well we wouldn’t fare well in zero atmosphere if we were susceptible to radiation. We’d die almost immediately.”

I sat back in my chair.

“No shit? What other superpowers do you have?”

“I think you experienced most of them already.”

We both changed a shade of color.

Orbiting the planet a few more times, there was still not much of use. Landing and takeoff was going to have to be on a short runway. There weren’t many solid surfaces. The ones that did exist, I suspected were already in use. In other words, parking was going to be difficult.

Leave it to me though, always good in a pinch, as long as you are not afraid to do a little walking. I found parking not far from the southernmost node in the giant wagon wheel of a turd factory.

“Are you sure you don’t want my gun?” I tried putting the handle in her handle, hoping she would take it without noticing.

She pushed my hand and the gun back towards me.

“You’re cute when you worry,” she said kissing me on the lips.

Worry. That’s a word. I guess I worry. Maybe not in the way most people worry. Worry about paying their bills. Worry about their favorite sports team blowing it before the championship. Worry about their spouse and kids.

Those worries were foreign to me. My worries consisted of if I detonate this reactor core, will it create a black hole before I can get into another dimension. Worry to me was being alone on a planet deep behind enemy lines, surrounded by creatures that wanted to tear me limb from limb. And all that time, I never really thought about it. Worry. I suppose in the moment when my adrenal glands dump their entire contents into my system I was a little worried. But when you have enough adrenaline in you to kill a small Garfogal fwipt, you don’t feel much of anything besides the adrenaline. Sure, you feel like shit afterwards as it burns off. Then after a while without it you find yourself picking fights with intergalactic oligarchs “because you were bored.” Totally not because you need that fix. That fix you get when others worry.

Those worries I could live with. The worries I would inevitably die with. The concept becomes easy once you accept it as fact.

Not a few moments on the surface and the smell of shit was already permeating into my living space. I can live with my own funk. This was going to have to air out for a while when we were done.

Time to prepare.

I had my spacesuit we scrounged together on the freighter. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to make it onto my ship. Dismayed that it didn’t fit as well as my old one, the Zalud Enterprises logos would hopefully keep me alive long enough to do some damage here.

Dzira looked amazing in the robe I gave her, though. Did I mention it was thick and fluffy? I like to be comfortable. The kind of plush you’d expect to see on a rich snob walking down Fifth Avenue, wherever that is. Space travel can be long and cramped, and it’s the little things that keep you going. And in my case, some not so little things.

“I’m going leave this here,” she said, shedding the robe.

Hormones ones again started circulating through my body. I wasn’t sure if they were because of her or because of her. She caught me staring and gave me another kiss.

“Right,” I said shaking off more cobwebs. “Stay close to me, unless things get tight. Then at least try to keep me in sight. If anything happens, try to get back here.”

During our, cough, downtime, I showed her the basics of how it worked. If she were left to operate the vehicle on her own – a calculated risk in the event that she was treacherous – she would have a chance to get out of orbit and hail Jalad. Or press the self destruct button. Whichever was more suitable to the situation.

“We’ll be fine,” she tried to reassure me.

I took her by the shoulders.

“I don’t think you understand how my world works. Call me a pessimist, but the worse I prepare a situation to be, the more likely I am to walk into the next shit show. And it inevitably becomes a shit show. I hope you understand how dangerous this is.”

She didn’t flinch.

Then she said, “They are my friends and family. I’ll fight my way in there on my own if I have to.”

Caveman grunt. I wish we had time to, you know, wait and watch from the ship for a while.

She turned towards the door. I was too mesmerized by the motion to do it to realize she was about to open the door.

The hatch opened. And oh my bog did it stink. For a several moments I couldn’t tell you what the planet looked like. The smell was the planet to my senses. So overwhelming it was, my vision dimmed until I put on the helmet.

Boggy. Soupy. I would say it was a swamp, but it was not so diverse and interesting. Mud pit best described it. Where there was anything that constituted land, it was thin and a bit sticky.

At first we couldn’t tell that there were any structures beyond the suspected oil derricks. They were the only things not resembling mud stacked on shit. Lo and behold though, it was the mud stacked on shit we were looking for.

An orifice opened as we scouted one of the mounds. Imagine, suddenly a mud sphincter opening into soggy ground. I just hoped it smelled better on the inside.

Before I could warn Dzira that it might be a bog monster trying to eat us, she disappeared into it. The tunnel was poorly lit. Glowing yellow lamps dotted the walls. A giant earthworm could very well have made it. The result was a mostly round passage of concentric glossy clay rings. Surprisingly, it was dry and solid.

One thing you should know. Operating in a tunnel is not fun. Bullets, lasers or whatever projectile is being used only have two ways to go. Even if they miss, they bounce all over the place. Intersections – deadly. Long straights – fatal. Doors – murder. Long arcing passages tend to send projectiles spiraling around, not making them any easier to dodge.

Dzira went ahead of me, to my reluctance. Tactically, it was smart. They, whatever they are, wouldn’t be able to see her. She could warn me from ahead, around corners. Doors could be problematic.

No one in sight. The long corridor turned into two tunnels. Two tunnels turned into a spider web of passages. Suspected doors did not open on their own. Still, there was no one.

“Did we get here on the red eye?” I whispered.

Her invisible formed squinted at me.

“Is it the middle of the night or what?”

She shrugged.

Dead reckoning can be difficult when you can’t see a fucking thing. Best I figured, we were mostly heading in the direction of the major structure ‘north’ of the node we parked by. This was definitely not a case of follow your nose. What little I could see of Dzira, I could tell it was not much better down here than outside.

So when you can’t see shit and you can only smell shit, listen for shit.

The telltale signs of happenings unrelated to nature presented themselves. For which I am grateful. Generally, hearing noises while underground is not a good thing. I have a thing about rumbling noises with millions of tons of rock above my head. I’ve seen this movie. It doesn’t end well. Why do you think I was in such a hurry to get off of that last planet?

Tssss. Shhhh. Tssss. Shhhh.

Machinations. Unmistakable.

If it were just a tssss or a shhhh I would not be too excited. A series of tsssses and shhhhs at equal lengths, I knew we were on to something. That something was at the end of the hallway. Somewhere. I vowed a long time ago to escape the rat race, but could not help but feel like I was chasing a big stinky piece of cheese in a maze. I could kill for a nice piece of sharp cheddar right about now. Not many things out here produce milk the way we are used to, and the things that do are really off-putting from consuming anything that comes from them. And that’s if they even process it to resemble something like a nice square of orange delicious. Excellent on a salted cracker. Anyway…

We approached the end of the hall where the noise was coming from. There it ended at a tea. A tee. A T. Thank you… More indistinguishable tunnels. Oh how do I keep finding myself in these situations.

Dzira decided on left, which was just as good as taking a right. I tried to stay as close to the corner as possible while she checked ahead. The next corner was a ways off though. There would be nowhere for me to hide if I was caught halfway down the aisle and someone rounded the corner.

Then a door at the tee opened beside me. Like how was I suppose to know what a door looks like on the inside of a planet’s intestinal tract.

My gun was in my hand before I even knew it. Probably because that’s where I tend to keep it. I could blast the figure in the doorway before either one of us was aware of it either. But that would then require a whole lot of blasting afterwards. There were in fact a lot of creatures in the room behind the one who stepped into the corridor.

“What are you doing here?” the figure dressed in a variation of my Zalud Enterprises jump suit said.

“Uh,” I said. “The boss wants to see you. Sent me to cover you.”

He gave an exasperated sigh.

“Did bigmouth mention what it was about?”

“I know better than ask questions,” I laughed, not too nervously.

“Smart,” he replied as he passed me in the corridor. “If I don’t come back, it means he had me for lunch.”

I snorted and made for the door.

“Hey,” he said a little farther down the hall.

Dzira had just made it to the door when he called out. Her invisible form froze in place. I turned around.

“What’s with the uniform? I thought they switched all ground crew to whites and reds.”

I was in a very similar uniform, dark blue with red stripes. His had large swaths of white with some blue and red stripes. My life experience so far held strong parallels with how these smucks operated, so I ventured another guess.

“They didn’t have enough in my size,” I called back. “So I’m stuck with this piece of shit.”

“Ha. Typical,” he said shaking his head. He turned away and kept walking.

I’m a little too good at this. I was starting to become suspicious of myself.

Dzira slunk to my backside as we scooted into the room. It was a large room, but rather crowded. Narrow platforms encircled and crossed the room on multiple levels. Pipes and vats ran everywhere. And so did the frog people. Give me a break before you saying anything about the frog talk; I wasn’t about to tap one on the shoulder and ask what genus they belong to. Not that they seemed to be too much of a threat. They were a bit squat, slightly hunched, but thin. No neck. Just above where the neck should be was a wide mouth. Not comically big. Big enough to make giving a root canal I bit easier. The bulging eyes above it were a bit unsettling though.

None of them paid me any mind. Frogs in white frocks here, there, everywhere. Checking dials, turning levers, carrying tanks.

Chances were this lead to other things. We crossed the catwalk to take a better look around when a frog started walking towards us. He was too busy looking at his clipboard. Dzira clung to my back tight enough to feel her form against me, so I was too busy noticing how much I could feel through the suit to choose another route.

Without a word, we continued on. How large the room was, was hard to say. There were a lot of pipes and vats. Looking up and down, there were ends to be seen. I was not about to count how many floors there were.

At the end of the walk it continued into another large burrow in the planet. Fewer pipes lead to the room. There appeared to be only one floor and the observation platform above.

Dzira gasped.

A bunch of creatures that looked just like her milled about around a large chamber where the pipes converged in the room. Each wore a bright orange jump suit with a metal collared neck and sleeves. There was no way for them to slink away locked into a bright orange suit.

“What were you saying your superpowers were?” I asked her.

I noticed that those closest to the device at the center were toiling with their hands. They were raking things out from its center as if there were scolding hot. Then a cart with round black spheres was pushed away. I was starting to see a pattern among Zalud’s manufacturers.

“They’re using them to harvest the radioactive pellets,” she whispered harshly.

“That would appear to be the case.” I frowned.

“How do we free them?” Her image returned so I could see her.

I looked her in the eye with a sigh. No doubt I was already a great emancipator in her eyes. It takes time and planning though. Not to mention most of the time I was in it to save my own ass.

Before I could tell her I hadn’t the froggiest… foggiest idea of what to do yet, another sphincter opened on the far side of the walk.

“Ah,” the creature croacked.

Dzira, on full display, instinctively stepped in front of me. No doubt trying to protect me.

Once again I reached for my piece. The one tucked into the back of my belt, this time. Not the front, thank you.

“Good timing,” he said business line. “It looks like he is going to need another.”

I firmly took Dzira by the neck, trying not to squeeze too tight. Reading the room, I rolled with it, as per usual. Dzira’s tension was unmistakable. I didn’t need to see her face to know the look of scorn that was on it. The tension in her neck and shoulders was enough to make having a good hold difficult.

“Take her right in,” he said then disappeared through the same hole.

I marched Dzira forward in silence. More like, I kept her from leaping at the frog like a rabid dog. Never would I ever compare her to a dog otherwise, she pulled like a retriever going after a rabbit. Hopefully the rabbit wouldn’t notice it was she who was leading me.

We followed, only hearing our footsteps as we went. More halls and corridors. What the hell is with the universe and endless drab corridors?

Eventually, the guide stopped. We stopped. He turned, giving us a stern look.

“Well? Go on. Take her in,” he ordered.

There was a rather large sphincter to our right. You’d think I’d be better at spotting assholes by now. Only problem was, I had no idea how to open the door. No buttons. No nothing. They hadn’t been touching anything; the doors seemed to open on their own.

“Open up asshole,” I thought at the door.

And bugger me sideways, the door opened like butt cheeks. Well… you get the idea anyway.

Stepping through, we realized it was some sort of antechamber.

“How did you do that?” Dzira asked me.

Gently shushing her, I stepped forward. Slowly. One step at a time. Observing everything I possible could as we went. It was darker than the other areas.

Hrraat.

A retching sound. Like a hippo clearing its throat. No idea what that actually sounds like, but that was the image it put in my mind.

Ohhhh. Indeed,” a voice croaked. “One more should do it.”

“It better,” croaked another, I dare say, more feminine voice.

A strange noise escaped Dzira as we entered a larger chamber.

“Bubgrub,” trembled from her lips.

Okay. I’m going to hit pause for a second here. I have a lot of feelings about this still. What those precise feelings are I couldn’t exactly say. By now, if you haven’t realized, I’ve seen a number of bizarre scenes. Walked through a number of the awkward. Debauched my way to Budapest and back. This one, in my opinion, still takes the cake.

The first thing I saw as I scanned the ornamentally rugged floor and pillars was a creature akin to Dzira. She was much like Dzira, only slightly smaller. More petite. And covered in viscous gack, trembling on the ground as if she had been discarded there.

 Peering further around the corner still, there was a short series of steps. Silk linen flowed across them, up to a platform. The California King had nothing on this bed.

Its inhabitants looked as though they hadn’t left it in a decade or two. Two enormous creatures lounged at its top with lazy eyes. Resembling the smaller creatures running about the place, they were them times twenty in mass. Bubba up there must have had a mouth six foot wide. Big enough to have tits of his own, the only way I distinguished Mann und Frau was that sailor boy was at half mast. He was wiping dribble from the corner of his cavernous mouth.

I looked at Dzira.

I looked at Bubba.

I tried not to look at Bubba’s… bubba.

Then I understood.

“Ew,” I said aloud.

Dzira looked at me fearfully.

“They’re horny toads. They don’t eat you. They’re using you as little blue pills to get it up.”

“What are you waiting for,” Bubba belched across the room. “I’m about to lose my ‘heir to the throne.’” They both laughed like ultralow pitched frogs.

I stepped forward, colliding with Dzira. Needing to stall for time, standing there would be more problematic.

She looked at me pleadingly through the visor. Hoping she could see it, I gave her a wink. Her arms let go of me and she turned, tiptoeing towards the bed.

“Think, damn it,” I thought.

Dzira turned back towards me then nodded towards the one laying on the floor.

Reasoning stood, I was expected to drag away the discarded dessert after the new one was presented. Plus, it took Dzira out of the line of fire.

When I got to the sticky mini-Dzira – I don’t know what they were called, sorry – she pulled away at my touch.

“You filthy,” she stammered, trying to stand under her own volition.

“This one comes so willingly,” Bubba droned.

“Disgusting,”

“She must want this as much as we do.”

I turned to check on Dzira. She was still taking her time, one slow step after another.

“Foul.”

I tried to pull her up from the ground. She started to writhe, forcing her way unsuccessfully towards the bed.

Dzira was too close for my comfort to Bubba. My muses had failed me. Inspiration was lacking, which was not of my normal character.

When in doubt, blast your way out.

I reached for my gun.

It wasn’t there. If you don’t know what shock and worry really is, try not being able to find your weapon when you intend to use it.

“But what do you have in your hand there?” Bubba mumbled.

I had the distinct feeling that I was about to lose control of the situation. In my defense, I arguably didn’t have any control of the situation in the first place. Totally, not gonna lie. But in that sense, I can’t be blamed for losing that which I did not have in the first place.

Oh ha he ha.

The regurgitated one sprung up the steps in a rage.

Wife Bubba made a strange shrieking sound I hope to never hear again in my life, or any life herein after.

Dzira raised the pistol at Bubba. His already large eyes widened to the point I thought they would hit the ceiling. But that was not what happened.

Other Dzira lunged up the steps, dripping slime everywhere. Dzira was about to fire when they collided. They slipped and slid.

Bubba wriggled, trying to get up unsuccessfully. He must have been in that seat for quite a long time. The kind of time that leaves a permanent mark on the ground after you pry it off with a giant spatula.

The two Dziras went down in a tangled mess. My gun fired wildly at the ceiling.

“Do something,” Bubba yelled at me.

Why was he yelling at me? What did he expect me to do? Honestly. Like I work for this creep or something.

Firing about indiscriminately was equally bad for my health as everyone else’s, though. I grabbed the two Dziras, trying to get them apart. They kept slipping and squirming. Amazingly, Bubba remained patient. I even heard him giggle in a low rumble.

Dzira was mostly up, by my side. I went for my gun when she slipped again, falling flat on her ass. The gun fired again in several consecutive shots.

Dusts and rumbles filled the air. The rumbles were more than Bubba’s belly I realized. The shots hit the pillar left of the bed. Coupled with all the other shots fired at the ceiling, the two were giving way. The room was wide and low, chances were the pillars weren’t there merely for decoration.

I was no longer worried about Mr. and Mrs. Bubba. Throwing back my helmet, I grabbed what I could of Dzira. Hauling off towards the door, Dzira grabbed other Dzira. The floor undulated beneath my feet. Something told me the Bubgrubs weren’t going to make it out in time.

Out in the corridor, the tremors persisted.

“Hey you,” someone shouted in the hall.

A lesser Bubgrub was pointing at me, all in guffaw and whatnot.

I raised the gun to fire. No one blows my cover with ‘hey you.’ It’s just too lame.

Trying to take a better firing position in the rumbling, Bubba’s spittle squished under my boot. I slid, nearly doing a split. Being no Jean-Claude Van Damme, a few muscles weren’t happy with me about the maneuver. Nor do I have the accent to make such a mishap seem cool.

Frog boy better count himself lucky. Knowing I no longer had the shot, I didn’t fire, slip or no slip. We could only hope at that point that they had bigger problems than some bald headed prick taking off with two fluffers from the King’s chamber.

“We have to get the others,” Dzira pleased with me, her other shaking in her arms.

“One problem. That many people aren’t going to fit in my shit.”

“We have to do something before…”

Errt. Errt. Errt.

I know this song. Only this song sounded like it was sang by a choir of angry frogs.

Errt. Errt. Errt.

All three of us ran down the corridor.

Two suits like mine ran into us at the corner. Like, ran into us. There was just enough warning I was able to elbow one in the helmet, subsequently tackling the other. My elbow may have fractured on the impact; a problem that would have to be dealt with at another time.

Dzira gave them a few shots each while I picked myself up. It happened so fast we bowled through them and kept going.

Back in the ball room, the boron ball room, the Dziras stared wide eyed, mouths agape as we barged in.

Frogs were croaking and screaming from the other room.

“Get the others. I’ll cover us from here,” I yelled at them.

They ran down a flight of metal stairs to the frightened Dziras.

Only a matter of time before a horde of frogs and spacesuits would come pouring in through the door. Either door. One in front. One behind. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be lucky and they’ll pour through both doors at the same time.

I was so screwed.

Dzira was barking orders and doting simultaneously at her sisters. Collars and suits were coming off in a hurry. Thrown in a pile. If it were so easy, why were they even wearing them? I gave her a look.

She held up a set of keys she must have snagged from one of the suits we wrecked outside. She’s perfect, I swear.

Footsteps. Shouting. On the other side of the sphincters.

No shit, there I was. Standing above a pit of naked Dziras. About to be overrun by frog people. Just a human and his gun.

Now it’s a party.

The door behind me opened.

I spun around blasting like something out of the Wild West. Blurry figures disappeared from the other side. The hole closed again.

“Down here!” Dzira shouted.

“Not sure what that’s going to do,” I responded.

The other door opened. I spun again lighting up its center like an arcade game. Knowing how this game played, I spun again giving the other a few more blasts. Just in case.

“Get down here!” she screamed.

I looked down at the pit again. Dziras were flickering in and out of sight.

Oh.

Down the stairs I went. Hoping this wasn’t how I died because I was going to look forward to reminiscing on the moment. Then again, if there were a time I had to choose to die, of all the experiences I’ve had, I would have chosen this moment.

I made it to the bottom of the stairs, blasting at the doors along the way.

Naked Dziras piled on top of me. Front. Side. Back. I was covered in Dzira. Cocooned, they held my arms, legs, neck, head.

Cough.

Then they disappeared.

The doors at the top of the stairs burst open. Suits and frogs and frogs in suits flooded the catwalk and…

Were all utterly dumbfounded that the room was empty, short of stupefied faces gazing at nothing.

Hopefully their idea worked in practice as well as it did in theory. We’d all feel pretty dumb if we thought were all invisible, just to see my dumb ass standing there looking up at them. I tried to look at my arms. To my surprise I couldn’t even see myself.

Up above, there was yelling and confusion. If it weren’t for the fact that we were standing on the pile of uniforms, we would have probably been made. Instead, we would have to assume that they assumed that they were scattering around the complex in bright orange jumpsuits.

“We have to get him out of here,” a voice came from my crotch.

I was apt to agree, but not sure why.

“The radiation will kill him.”

The unwanted guests filed out of the room back through their respective doors.

“Um,” I said. “Radiation?”

“They’re not completely stable yet,” one of the Dziras said. “It’s not safe for you to be down here. That’s probably why they didn’t even bother to come down here to check.”

“Yeah,” I droned. “Let’s get out of here.”

Dzira, my Dzira, took my hand, dragging me back towards the stairs. And all the other Dziras followed.

Left or right? Door number one or door number two? Two would go to my ship. After we go through a room full of frogs. Other bearing leading to unknowns. We had to get out of there and fast. Were all of them going to fit in my ship?

“Are there others?” I may have asked a little aggressively. Startled eyes roamed about searchingly. “Do they keep your kind anywhere else?”

Several heads shook.

“Are you sure?”

“They sell off the others,” one said.

“We’re worked around the clock. All the material comes here and is processed into the pellets.”

“Okay, good. I mean. That I have everyone that is here. If we get to my ship we might make it out of here.”

“What about this place?” Dzira asked with obvious contempt.

“Do any of you ladies know how to make this stuff go boom?”

They all looked around at each other, muttering and murmuring. Then they nodded.

“Good. What do we need to do?”

We piled through door two towards the frog factory.

Stopping on the landing just outside, the ladies looked about. Searching and tracing, they followed specific pipes, I hazarded a guess.

“These!” one shouted.

They started spinning wheels and pressing buttons. Pulling levers and checking the other room.

“There. The pellets won’t be fully formed. Unstable enough to be dangerous when enough of them collide. We won’t have much time before a critical collision happens. When it does, a fission reaction will happen. There’ll be enough in there to take off this half of the planet. The gasses on the planet should take care of the rest.”

I nodded along, trying to keep up.

“Solid plan. Let’s go.”

Dziras in front, Dziras behind, we ran across the platforms for the other door. The corridors on the other side were still empty. I don’t really do cardio anymore. There aren’t too many tracks out in space to keep up with it. Not to mention that it had already been a long week. But I managed. If I could handle one Dzira I was confident I could keep up with the herd.

A roar reached us from around a corner. An instant later I had another Dzira cloaking device. The sound was drawing nearer. Nearer and nearer. There was no way that a platoon of pissed off frog people, let alone one, would be able to get by us. I couldn’t risk telling them that. Instead I tried to get my gun up – generally not a problem – to prepare to fire.

The noisy gaggle reached the corner.

My shield exploded into a jiggling fury of gray and subtle hues as they savagely pounced onto the unsuspecting crew.

The screams of alarm changed as we hurried along. The errt errt errt started to sound more like a ‘this bitch is about to blow’ than ‘intruder alert.’

Door after door, we kept opening sphincters until we found the one to outside. There were a lot of doors, all right? I didn’t exactly have a map, and it was my first time there. Point is, we found it.

Reaching my ship I tried to do a quick headcount.

It was a lot of Dziras. I still wasn’t sure that they would all fit.

Dzira.”

“Right here.”

She was right next to me it turns out. They looked a lot alike.

“Sorry. I’ll get it started. Try to get them all in. We are going to be really heavy. Be prepared to start throwing things out the door if I say so. Okay?”

She nodded along then pushed me through the door, lightly dragging her fingers along my arm.

The planet started to tremble. For all I know that was normal on a planet made of flammable gasses and nuclear bomb material. I wasn’t trying to take that bet though. Never before had my ship been heavy to fly. Try to fly anyway. I’ve had a couple raging parties in the SS Jeopardy before, but nothing like this. And never was I trying to take flight and leave orbit with said rager.

I turned around to check on my passengers. A wall of expecting Dziras stared back at me. I don’t think I could have fit back in there with them if I wanted to. Cough.

Waves of fright echoed in the small space as the ship whirred and planet groaned.

Not so slowly, I gave it all it had. All power was to thrust, something I’m usually a little more courteous about. Slowly, slowly, we left the ground. I couldn’t see the compound doors. Something told me they had bigger problems to worry about then us. The lack of lift still made me nervous.

Up and up.

I looked back again. The group huddled tighter together, looking more afraid by the minute.

What could I throw out to lose weight? I don’t really own anything. I’m not a very materialistic person. Ms. B danced about lazily on the dash. For a hot second, not going to lie, I thought about throwing her to the wind. The thought passed, justifying it as being an insignificant amount of mass to make a difference. Maybe I was just being sentimental.

I think I needed to take a breath. Air was probably running out in the cabin. Dizziness, euphoria. Giddy. Strong and heavy. Facing death in the eyes is a hell of a drug.

Mounds of mud were starting to drift away below us in the windshield. Progress. Painful progress.

“Are we going to make it?” Dzira asked, showing up at my side.

I looked at her. I don’t know what the look was I give her. She must have reflected it back pretty well because she looked like how I was feeling.

The altimeter stopped moving.

We were maxed out on vertical climb.

I groaned.

Dzira put a hand on my shoulder.

The room wanted to spin. I wouldn’t let it. Nor was I going to let the ship spin out of control, crashing into the funky bog water planet we just planted a nuke on.

My body was pulsing. Sinking. But we were moving forward. As gently as I could I propelled forward hoping to create more lift. The feeling got heavier and heavier. Please don’t let all those pellets be amassing into a something with a massive gravity field.

The radio squelched. I almost didn’t notice it with the ringing in my head. I wasn’t sure when that started.

“Napolean. Is that you?”

Unmistakably, it was Jalad’s flat voice.

“Jalad,” I squeezed out. “Please tell me you’re in orbit.”

“I am. Are you in need of assistance? You ship does not appear to be taking flight very well.”

“Overweight. A lot of passengers.”

“Have you freed another planet?”

The lights started to dim.

“Yes. No time. This planet probably won’t be here much longer.”

All was black.